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So it used to be that every year I published a Christmas Booze Advisory and then the opportunity came up to write for the Funny Days of Christmas series and I thought I could knock out an article much in the same style as last year. But no! There is another common occurrence around the holidays that requires my attention.
Suicide.
So here's a holiday how to on the most festive suicide you can commit over this festive seasons to leave the biggest and most visible emotional scars on your nearest and dearest.
1. North Pole Roulette -
North Pole roulette is a rather simple game and shares many traits with Russian roulette. However in North Pole you write the names of the reindeer on each of the bullets and switch one bullet out with the next if you miss. You must call out "On Dasher" for the first shot, "On Dancer" for the second etc.
Hard Mode: Load the bullets into a fully automatic pistol instead of a revolver.
2. Hanging The Lights -
A simple yet classic suicide but tricky to pull off with the Christmas theme. It would be tricky to make a strong enough noose from standard Christmas lights, so consider using several sets twisted together, or use a rope with Christmas lights wrapped around it.
Hard Mode: Hang yourself from the christmas tree, with a note pinned to your chest saying "There, I decorated"
3. Santa's Dead -
Crawl up your chimney in a santa suit, wedge yourself in and wait to asphyxiate when the family lights the Christmas fire. Tell them you're going out to "talk to santa" to "make sure he brings the best presents"
This technique works to emotionally cripple your children in many ways; firstly the children have to contend with a dead santa. Then your widow will have to tell them that there is no santa. And finally the children will have to come to terms with a dead dad, in a santa suit on Christmas.
Hard mode: Put all the kids presents in a sack and bring them up into the chimney with you so they'll be fire and smoke damaged, making them forever tainted.
4. Reindeer Jaywalk -
There are two ways to accomplish the reindeer jaywalk both traumatic and painful.
However, one of them comes with the possibility of it being called an accident, and that's like a Christmas present to yourself!
For method one you need to get a reindeer suit, and a relatively empty spot of dark road. Wait by the roadside for a large truck to come by, and at the last minute bound out in front of it and be struck down. With any luck the driver will already have two felony convictions and not wanting to get a third strike will hide your body. Or if your costume is really good he'll think you're a reindeer, and he'll eat you.
Method two is simply to find a herd of reindeer, agitate them, then be trampled to death by them. This is the method that will look like an accident.
Hard Mode: Attach a sleigh to the reindeer, and then have them trample you.
5. Uncle Jerry's had too much to drink -
A simple method with a number of possible outcomes.
Either one can choose to drink very much to excess and end of vomiting in ones sleep, or taking a drunken tumble.
The other main method is to drink massively, then start picking fights with bigger and stronger family members and hope that they hit you hard enough to kill you, or at least knock you into something that will kill you.
Hard Mode: Drink nothing but eggnog and take a swing at grandma.
6. Mistletoe Poisoning -
Apparently, yes it is poisonous. So sit down, get a big bowl of mistletoe and start shoveling.
Hard Mode: Ask for a mistletoe salad at the dinner table.
So there we are, the most festive ways to commit suicide this Christmas. And look on the bright side, Christmas comes but once a year. But a Christmas suicide will be remembered every day.
